US President Announces Refined Drone Policy

In a remarkable speech earlier today, President Barack “Don’t call me Barry” Obama announced that his administration has new guidelines for using remotely piloted serial vehicles, or “drones.”

“I am pleased to announce that we will simplify the operational use of these robot planes by means of a streamlined plan so simple even an IRS agent can follow it,” said Obama in describing the plan. To summarize, the new operational plan limits targets to two categories: politically motivated opponents and critical reporters. Politically motivated opponents can include terrorists, conservative bloggers and Rush Limbaugh, while critical reporters include pretty much anyone who asks follow up questions of Jay Carney.

Additionally, the plan includes improved operational protocols. Under the new guidelines, only the President, Vice President, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, Secretaries of Homeland Security, Treasury, Defense and Agriculture, the Directors of the FBI and CIA, the Attorney General, the First Lady and any member of the Gambino crime syndicate can unilaterally issue a strike authorization.

In something of a surprise move, the President introduced Lois Lerner as the Assistant Secretary of Defense for Drone Policy. “Lois did a wonderful job for me, for us, in her prior role at the IRS,” intoned Barry. “I’m certain she’ll be up to the challenge of implementing this new policy and overseeing it’s implementation as a new program that’s as critical as any other in our continuing war on terrorism, including the type of domestic terror we’ve seen exhibited on Twitter and Facebook.”

Ms. Lerner said that she fully anticipated having the new program completely operational in time for the 2014 campaign season.