Late last night, Eric Holder released the results of his investigation into possible abuse of power by Eric Holder. The investigation was sparked by public outrage over the Department of Justice’s harassment of reporters from the Associated Press and Fox News. To the surprise of everyone, his investigation completely absolved himself and the Department of Justice of any malfeasance.
“After a cursory examination of the evidence, I realized that most of it had been accidentally destroyed. What little evidence exists is protected by Executive Privilege and therefore inadmissible in court. Likewise, I exercised my 5th Amendment rights, making any testimony I might have given useless.”
Within the pages of the report are tucked away several interesting conclusions. One is that, like his boss, Eric Holder apparently is oblivious to anything he does, says or signs. “While the signatures on the affidavits affirming the need for wiretapping James Rosen’s personal communications are indeed mine, I do not remember signing them. I must have been too busy to read the memoranda and went solely on the advice of the prosecuting attorney. There is also the distinct possibility I signed them while at the 19th hole after playing a round with the President.” The Attorney General also notes that insinuating a reporter is a subversive agent under the Espionage Act “should only be done when the preliminary evidence overwhelmingly supports such allegations, or when the reporter is highly critical of the President, the Attorney General, the Democrat Congressional Leadership or George Soros.”
Eric Holder also specified internal policy changes going forward at the DoJ. Among them, requiring all prosecutors to ensure “that the Eric Holder is not three sheets to the wind” when requesting legal authorizations, requiring Eric Holder’s executive assistant to screen all calls, “especially from that asshole, Darrell Issa” and “sweeping Eric Holder’s telephones, offices, home and favorite golf shoes” for listening devices.
In a remarkable speech earlier today, President Barack “Don’t call me Barry” Obama announced that his administration has new guidelines for using remotely piloted serial vehicles, or “drones.”
“I am pleased to announce that we will simplify the operational use of these robot planes by means of a streamlined plan so simple even an IRS agent can follow it,” said Obama in describing the plan. To summarize, the new operational plan limits targets to two categories: politically motivated opponents and critical reporters. Politically motivated opponents can include terrorists, conservative bloggers and Rush Limbaugh, while critical reporters include pretty much anyone who asks follow up questions of Jay Carney.
Additionally, the plan includes improved operational protocols. Under the new guidelines, only the President, Vice President, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, Secretaries of Homeland Security, Treasury, Defense and Agriculture, the Directors of the FBI and CIA, the Attorney General, the First Lady and any member of the Gambino crime syndicate can unilaterally issue a strike authorization.
In something of a surprise move, the President introduced Lois Lerner as the Assistant Secretary of Defense for Drone Policy. “Lois did a wonderful job for me, for us, in her prior role at the IRS,” intoned Barry. “I’m certain she’ll be up to the challenge of implementing this new policy and overseeing it’s implementation as a new program that’s as critical as any other in our continuing war on terrorism, including the type of domestic terror we’ve seen exhibited on Twitter and Facebook.”
Ms. Lerner said that she fully anticipated having the new program completely operational in time for the 2014 campaign season.