Musings on Sports, Politics and Life in general

The Hold On Investigation

Wait…I ALMOST remember!

Late last night, Eric Holder released the results of his investigation into possible abuse of power by Eric Holder. The investigation was sparked by public outrage over the Department of Justice’s harassment of reporters from the Associated Press and Fox News. To the surprise of everyone, his investigation completely absolved himself and the Department of Justice of any malfeasance.

“After a cursory examination of the evidence, I realized that most of it had been accidentally destroyed. What little evidence exists is protected by Executive Privilege and therefore inadmissible in court. Likewise, I exercised my 5th Amendment rights, making any testimony I might have given useless.”

Within the pages of the report are tucked away several interesting conclusions. One is that, like his boss, Eric Holder apparently is oblivious to anything he does, says or signs. “While the signatures on the affidavits affirming the need for wiretapping James Rosen’s personal communications are indeed mine, I do not remember signing them. I must have been too busy to read the memoranda and went solely on the advice of the prosecuting attorney. There is also the distinct possibility I signed them while at the 19th hole after playing a round with the President.” The Attorney General also notes that insinuating a reporter is a subversive agent under the Espionage Act “should only be done when the preliminary evidence overwhelmingly supports such allegations, or when the reporter is highly critical of the President, the Attorney General, the Democrat Congressional Leadership or George Soros.”

Eric Holder also specified internal policy changes going forward at the DoJ. Among them, requiring all prosecutors to ensure “that the Eric Holder is not three sheets to the wind” when requesting legal authorizations, requiring Eric Holder’s executive assistant to screen all calls, “especially from that asshole, Darrell Issa” and “sweeping Eric Holder’s telephones, offices, home and favorite golf shoes” for listening devices.

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